How does it happen?
After years since the pain started,
I still think that it will be different.
After years of relationships,
why do I think it will somehow be perfect?
How do I forget the idiocy of this illness?
I forget because I have to-
to survive, to continue living, to be happy
I forget so that I can-
live with grace and gratitude
How the hell do we take it?
How do we wake up and smile?
How do we think that Santa is coming down the chimney
with toys and joys anymore?
It just goes on-
these unbelievable errors in thinking
These heart aches and body aches
and moments of reflection into nothingness
how do we make it through these holidays
every year without crying or wanting to do so
how does my dog remind me that life goes on
whether through tears, fears or joy?
how do we do it?
how do we trust that tomorrow will be ok or even good?
how do we trust when we are deceived so constantly?
it must be the human experience,
the hope for a better day, tomorrow or moment
the need for security and love.
How do we take it on?
How do we survive it?
The craziness of this illness-
like a dysfunctional family,
waiting on the shoe to drop?
Why did I believe my doctor?
Why didn’t I question him?
Because I needed to believe.
Because I wanted to find happiness-
just one more time.
How do we keep going?
13 years now since the diagnosis
and I sit here, writing, crying
waiting on a new day
so that I can remember how it felt to be well,
and not fooled by this pretentious little shit