sadness

Two days of stupid. Still in my sweats. Dishes piling up in the kitchen. Dog needs to go out. I have to get up.

I can’t take it any longer. I can’t put on a happy face. I might be homeless in a month. I don’t have enough money saved to move home and I can’t find a roommate for this apartment. I had someone who told me it was a go and then backed out. It took me 2 days to get the apartment ready for her to visit and I am exhausted. She arrives and says, “What, it’s not furnished?” We had discussed this fact over Email. Something had changed. I had held the space for a week for her. Now, back to where I have been since December.

I don’t know how to make it in this expensive town and, in this life, plagued by illness. I go to food banks, beg for food stamps to be increased, and I have a Masters degree and should be making at least $60 K in my field by now. I sit, binge on sugar, pet my dog and feel hugely guilty that I am not taking her to the dog park. She sleeps with me. She waits. I cry. I struggle. I cry. Two days of crying. Where are my siblings again? I miss my parents! They died when I was 25 and 35. Cancer. Why hasn’t cancer just eaten me up by now? Why? Because chronic pain takes longer.

I thought I could get a job and I now realize I can’t. I have been coping for years now. The last two alone.

I have to take the dog somewhere while the sun is shining. I have to go.

I hope you feel better than me today.